Overcoming Atheism-My journey back home to God
As a small child, I was aware of the magick of the world. I remember looking up at the sky and seeing energy move. At night before bed, I would look into my dark bedroom and see energy. Early on, I understood there are unseen forces, a reality that exists beyond the physical and yet the physical seems to vibrate with this force, moved by something invisible to the naked eye, weaving all of Life together.
My parents took me to church consistently in my youth. While at times it seemed like a chore, there were aspects that I appreciated about it. I enjoyed the ceremonies and the rituals. When I listened to the teachings of Jesus, I resonated with the lessons on love and forgiveness. The teachings of the church seemed to not always be congruent with the teachings of Jesus. I was a quiet child, constantly observing and accessing my surroundings. I became aware of the push to become a person that fit into a mold that I didn’t belong in.
When I became of a certain age, my parents gave me the option to stop attending church. They deemed I was ready to begin making my own choices with my spirituality. I chose to stop attending and found myself untethered to a way of communicating with God. How do you connect with God without a way to worship?
As a teenager, I struggled with depression and anxiety. Without a clear method of dealing with my emotions, I found myself making poor choices. Living in a darkened state of being, I couldn’t see God in my Life. I began to wonder if God even existed…
When you don’t take responsibility for your life, then someone else is to blame. The pieces of yourself that you are unwilling to see and bring into the Light of awareness, you can project onto another person. Everything you haven’t healed becomes someone else’s problem and it can be an easy escape to reject the other person. Being unhappy with my life and ultimately, feeling unhappy with myself, I rejected God. I cancelled God from my life.
When you don’t see or choose not to see, it doesn’t mean something doesn’t exist or ceases to exist. How you feel about something doesn’t determine the reality of the situation. Cancelling a person doesn’t make someone not exist anymore. Your feelings cannot erase reality.
While writing copy for my high school yearbook, I became friends with another writer. We connected on a soul level and I trusted the goodness in her. She invited me to the beach with her church youth group and I reluctantly agreed. Growing up in Southern California, I loved going to the beach, but the church youth group didn’t seem very fitting for me.
The sun was beginning to set while the youth pastor was leading a prayer. Everyone’s eyes were closed, but the skeptic in me kept mine wide open. Then, something magickal happened. It felt like everything on the beach suddenly became in tune with one another, like strings on a guitar. The sunlight on the water shone brightly while a soft breeze blew across the sand. Every element stood out individually to me and yet, also came together in a collective harmony. I felt connected to all of it somehow, like I was a part of the unity. An unexplainable knowing came over me. This beauty all around woke me from out of a dark soul slumber and I became aware of this beauty existing within me, as well. I knew in that moment God was real. God didn’t stop existing when I closed my eyes. No one told me to believe. I just did. The overwhelming sensation of knowing God in a greater sense filled me and it lit a fire again within me. It was like my flame had blown out but I just needed a strike of a match.
20 years later, I am walking a path to continue to know God. It is a path of Knowing Thyself. A higher power definitely exists. I now have tools to communicate with God and connect with the Divinity expressed in the physical world around me. The tools of the Life Activation and the Empower Thyself program strengthened my inner light. I’ve come to know God within me. I see God in you.
Knowing God,
Christina Becerra, Certified Guide and Ritual Master in the Modern Mystery School
